I thought I was over this hump, but I dont think I ever will be. Cutting is taking over again. I cant stop thinking about it. I have to isolate myself from my room for I dont reach for my collection of Razors.I thought I was finally done with it consuming. I fear this will be the rest of my life, not being able to handle a little stress. I try not to give in to temptaion, but how long can I stand.
I don't want things to be like they were last year. I dont want to be cutting in a school bathroom, I dont want to do it in the middle of class with my hands hidden under a desk. I dont want to get so sucked in that I am cutting so deeply even when I am happy.
I fear right now to go in my room. I want to cut soo badly. I want to take a shower and jsut slice away intill the water turns red. I want to see deep wounds. I mean the ones that scare me cause they are bleeding so much and wont close for weeks. I dont want to do kitty scratches.I am scared if I give into myself that one cut will turn into 50. The more I hold off from doing this the more I want cut, the deeper.It is a scary thought. That I a sit here in my head debating how far I can go.
I just want this seven year hell to come to an end.I hate that everyone looks at me weird, but at the same time no one cares cause it just me. I mean if another friend cuts every one jumps to there aid trying to get them better. Who has ever done that to me. No one not my friend or family. LEts see I went the therpist once for cutting before my mom pulled me out. I feel like even if I do it and get to deeply involed no one will pull me out.
-Sigh- I am rambling and I doubt it makes any sense. Forgive me for wasting time once again